I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
How naked do you want me to be?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
