wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize