I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
