sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
