Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Little spoons don't ask big questions
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
