I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize