you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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