Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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