in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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