She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
