I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
