I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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