the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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