Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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