Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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