Only a mothe r could love this liver
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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