capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
