So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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