fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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