How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
