god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
