Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
