Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
