sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize