but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize