I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
