boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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