some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
