apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
