I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
