a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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