It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
