i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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