shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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