You surviving the open bar?
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Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You ruined the universe
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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