he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
