you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
