if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
