Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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