Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
