I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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