Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
