I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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