No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
