I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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