what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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