yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
