it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
