she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize