The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
