Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
