I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
