he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
