thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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