life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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