Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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