I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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