You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
its not stalking. its research.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
