I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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