I just saw a hot homeless man
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
