We named our party play list daddy issues
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i believe in u and ur pee
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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