Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
