I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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