you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
