Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
