and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
