I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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